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Fondubh: The Feast of Black Fon

by Sean O'Dignity

The Celts held the Feast of Fondubh, Black Fon, on the first night of the 'dark of the moon', after the month of "Milkmoon" (Spring). It was celebrated by the seething of vast amounts of cheese in a huge cauldron. A red-headed (1) virgin was dipped in the cooling melted cheese and placed on a sacred stone, used as an altar. The gathered folk then licked the cheese of the maiden. This process was repeated until all feasters (including the virgin) were satisfied.

A darker side to this festival was recorded by the Bards of hte Belgii, whom substituted chocolate for cheese. Because the festival was always held on the 'dark of the moon', sometimes the virgin was misplaced and some sources hint at her being consumed (2).

Black Fon [fon - old, ancient (Proto Indo-European), dubh - dark, black (Gaelic)] was the archaic mystery God (inspirational archetype) of the Mouth, it's activities (especially pleasurable ones) and associated powers - lips, tongue, teeth, speech, food, drink, magical incantation.

His name (in varied grammatical forms) has been passed down to us in such expressions as ; "I would like to fondle you", "They are very fond of each other", "Absence makes the heart grow fonder". Even surnames and nicknames reflect his functional energy, as in the example of hte family of cinema actors Henry, Jane, Bridget etc. Fonda and the television cult character "The Fonz". Other linguistic variations give us' "We wer only having fun" (this derivation came throught the Brittonic to the Anglo-Saxon - pronunciation of "o" as "oo", in Modern English as "ah" (=u), as an expression of the god's delight of ecstatic oral exclamations. On the mystical side, we have the expression; "A funny thing happened on the way to the...", which is often used by adulterous male spouses to justify their acceding to the god-inspired impulse to fondle young women, especially redheads.

On the female side, we see the god's inspiration as a means to contrain men and children in wayward behaviour. This is expressed in such sayings as; "You deserve a good licking" (In children this inspires terror but in adults it invokes erotic excitement). Men echo this function when they allude to their spouses disapproval with; "She gave me a good tongue lashing" and "All I got for dinner was cold shoulder and hot tongue" (These expressions hint at the darker side of Fon worship and invoke long forgotten inversive erotic tension which led to the Belgii's chocolate inhumations. An example is the modern male appeasement ritual of giving chocolate to angry spouses to whom they are not directing enough erotic attention).

The aversion to Fon's power of provocation is remembered in the phrase; "Don't give me any of your lip". His dark energy even emerged in World War Two propaganda; "Loose lips sink ships", the latter reaffirming his association with the watery elements and bodily fluids in general. Another aspect of this, is our observation of obese - 'erotically challenged' - people whom have succumbed to the Fon impulse to gorge, especially fatty food, which to the consumer is the source, not only of their pleasure but of their need to sacrifice themselves to his archetypal impulses, even unto death. This is not surprising when we remember that the mouth produces saliva which is not only a digestive catalyst but a stimulative lubricant (3). Also, the "Kiss of Life" is a well known means of resuscitation and affirms the spiritual duality of this arcane god.

That his gifts led to ethical and moral conflict is expressed in; "anything this much fun must be bad" and "the most fun you can have outside of the bedroom". This has been recognised by many sects of Christianity, whom through a bizarre twist, call themselves "Fundamentalists". Anthropologists have noted that because of these sects' guilty aversion to oral pleasures such as drinking, smoking and freedom os speech, they tend to honour Fon even more so than their non-"Fundy" social counterparts. They do this by being secretive and hypocritical about their oral behaviour, even to the point where they hide it from themselves. This is expressed in the phrase; "don't let the left hand see what the right hand is doing". This behaviour, ritually alludes to the Fondubh being held on the 'dark of the moon'.

To explain the inversive characteristics of Christianity and especially of the Fun-damentalists, we have to look at the true origins of this cult which are, in fact, a distortion of the ancestral cult of Fon. The name "Jesus Christ" is a Hellenic adaptation of the Germanic linguistic colloquialism for Fondubh's Feast - "Céses Feist" (5) or "Cheese's Feast". Through Celto-Germanic trading contact with the Greeks - matured cheese for wine (The Greek's goat cheese was no good for melting - hence the old Greek saying "One must always milk the sacred cows for all their worth"); and the Greeks subsequent contact with the Judaic peoples (who didn't have cows either) led to the spreading of the Cult of Fon. Judea was occupied by the Romans and many of the legions contained Germanic troops whom sought out the Greek traders for the highly valued matured cow's milk cheese. The occupation actually helped the adaptation of Fon worship, as Roman paganism had similar deities, such as the Fauns and, of course, the god Pan, names which linguists have deduced having a common Indo-European origin with Fon.

[This deduction has been supported by the recent excitign archaeological recovery, near the city of Vindobona in the Balkans - anceitne Pannonia - of a crude cast-bronze statue from a Gothic (?) cess pit. The statue was thought to have been thrown there around 238 CE, perhaps by a retreating mercenary during the early stages of what the Romans called the "Scythian war". It depicts a humanoid figure with an enigmatic smile. One hand is grasping a large erect phallus while the other is raised in a middle-finger satlue. His head seems to be hallowed by many petal like structures enclosed in a rim. Inscribed on the base in a rune-script of Bastarnian dialect (a Celto-Germanic language) were these mystical words of warning translated as: "You will be overcome by the 'whirling god of madness' (font'va a' tiondah) when the cast dung is spread by his mighty wind". This has been interpreted as - "You will know the meaning of panic when the shit hits the Fon". Underneath this script soem one had later scratched the two Gothic runic staves "F.U." (6) (assumd to mean fahrtaric woths - the Gothic cognate to the Bastarnian 'whirling god of madness)].

As the Jews were expecting a "Messiah" (which in archaic Hebrew means "He who will mess things up"), it was inevitable that a popular spiritual movement would eventuate in response to the Pharisees' and Saducees' wanting to contain all Abrahamic pleasures of the mouth such as prophexy, complaining and ordering people to be stoned to death, for themselves. The common people found their Messiah in the son of a Goats' Cheese maker. The father's name was Joseph (which in proto-Aramaic means literally "off cheese", from Jos - cheese and eph - off). The son's name was Joshua (which literally means "high cheese", as in "smelly", from Jos - cheese and hua - high). This name was misinterpreted by the Greek traders who mingled both with the Jews and Roman occupation forces. They translated it as "The High Cheese", as in 'foremost' due to the striking similarity with the Indo-European world hoh - 'high place(d)' = above, which was another Celtic colloquial appellation for Fon. Jesus further compounded this allusion when he said; "The Father and I are one" (he was actually referring to he and Joseph, being in the same trade, ie. Cheese makers).

The folklore surroiunding Mary Magdelene and the other women followers of Jesus attests to the similarity of early Christian practices with the cult of Fon. The vying of the women to wash Jesus' feet is one such example. Jesus himself carried out this ritual activity and it has become a tradition of the Pontiffs of the Roman Catholic Church. They did this to collect the skin excretions in the water which were symbolic of "curds and whey". This has been passed down to us in the slang adjective describing body exudations as being "cheesy".

Jesus' association with the Greeks and Romans is shown by his liking of wine with his meals (bread and cheese). The well known story of his outrageous drunken behaviour at the wedding feast at Canaan, where he pissed in the wine jars, lead to the so-called miracle of "turning water into wine". As bizarre as this may seem, this action was again misinterpreted by the Greeks as further proof of his Fonhood (Avatar?) as the merchants had all heard tales of Celtic feasting, or had been in attendance themselves, where this was a common occurence (the Celts being too drunk to find the outside door, but too polite to piss on the floor; besides, by that time of the night no one could taste the difference, except for the Greeks whom vinted Retsina which is very similar. This lead to the Anglo-Celtic slang term "piss" for foul tasting alcohol. In Australia, which has a large Celtic population, a "piss-up" is a term to denote a gathering of clans).

The key to the origin of the Christian mysticism lies in the "Last Supper". According to the latest research (7), connecting Fon and Christianity, the statement; "This is my body, this is my blood" refered directly to cheese and wine respectively which was melted together as a symbolic blending of matter and spirit. The climax of the ritual was proclaimed with the words; "Fon-do this in rememberance of me". This, of course, meant that Jesus was telling his followers to "eat, drink and be merry" - the essence of Fon worship and the common thread of Celtic Culture. Unfortunately, the "be merry" aspect was misunderstood by the gathered disciples who were all "pissed". (Except for Judas Iscariot, whom didn't drink red wine as it gave him migranes, and was suffering from hypoglycaemia because he couldn't eat cheese, having a lactic acid intolerance. He left the party early and sold the story to the local Roman crier for 30 pieces of Halva.)

The "be merry" was interpreted by his disciples as "be Mary" (as in Mary Magdelene, the cult 'groupie') and this lead to the latter Christian priests cross-dressing in what they termed "cassocks" (meaning "sexy casual wear", from the Vulgar Roman cas - casual and socks - sexy). It was at this point that the Christians teachings, but not practice, became the antithesis of Celtic tradition (like celibacy, sobriety, truthfulness and being slow to anger) and inverted the natural order of things. This has lead to a social upheval, as the many descendants of the ancient Celts, whom still hear the voice of Fon, have taken to cursing and killing each other, through spiritual frustration, in the name of sub-sects of Christianity (sacrificial virgins being hard to find nowadays). Others, more in touch with ancestral ways, have become poets, writers and artists which allows them many occasions to eat cheese, drink lots of wine and dribble on exposed cleavage. many still practice the ritual of pissing in their friends drinks when circumstances allow it (attendance of a 21st birthday celebration in any of the Australian suburbs will verify this).

To nail Jesus (no pun intended) as a personification (avatar) of Fon is not difficult. We have only to quote from his 'Sermon on the Mount'; "Blessed are the Cheese-makers for they will inherit the kingdom of heaven" (8). The celebration of cheese and wine as a Fon ritual is still practised wherever people of European descent gather. This is especially true of Switzerland, the home of the Helvetian Germano-Celts. They still retain the ancient name and ritual in the form of "Fondue". A mixture of cheese and wine is melted in a large pot which is in no way different to Jesus' 'Last Supper' where everyone dips bread rusks into the mixture and eats till satiation.

In conclusion, it seems that the Feast of Fondubh, and its underlying archaic Indo-European origins, has had a far reaching influence throughout history. It might be said that it actually changed the course of religion in the Western world. Academics of all disciplines would benefit from a deeper study of this premise and associated areas of inquiry. I leave you with the arcane warning of those whom would ponder this article; "Don't let it cheese you off".

Notes:

1. Paprika was unavailable in the earliest periods, so a "red-head" was substituted.

2. This has led to the popular past-time, especially amongst lonely women, of "pigging-out" on chocolate. Other tribes of Celts tried introducing "blondes" but met with great resistance to changing tradition as this was thought to be a Germanic influence. The echo of this is still found in the preference for white chocolate, especially among fat, ugly Anglo-Saxon women whom are inevitably virgins.

3. Oral traditions record that no (remaining) sacrificial virgin ever made a complaint about her ritual participation to her mother.

4. It has been observed by anthropologists that "Fundamentalists" tend to indulge in orgies of cake eating, especially the cream-filled variety, when they gather in privacy. These feasts are usually washed down with with copious amounts of strong, sweet tea, laced with milk.

5. "C" in Cheese (AS. cése) is pronounced "Ts" in Celto-Germanic dialect. The word "Fiest" has a dual origin. The Celtic - Ir. feis, pl. feiseanna, festival, assembly; and the Germanic - fr. feist, to break wind; AS. fistan, to fizz, to ferment. ie. feast of fermentation.

6. The "F" sound was held to be "the secret anem of God (Fon)" by the Indo-European people. Their present day Celto-Germanic descendants throughout the world still give this honour, as in the expletive phrase; "F-U" ! which has beeen decoded to mean 'may yoiu be possessed by the ecstasy of Fon'. The word "Feisty" still exists in the English language as an adjectival understatement to describe Fondish behaviour.

7. See Professor M. Python's "Life of Brian", Absurd Press, London, 1975

8. The word "heaven" originally meant "belonging to (the) heavy" and is not derived from the Old Norse hafn - haven = harbour. Here we see the Old English genitive suffix (an) = (en) as used in early Modern English Bible translations. "The heavy" means the obese - a warning to those whom would abuse the main sacrificial gift of Fon.

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